The Resume of “Red Beard” Jarrrrell

44 Sea Turtles Blvd, Old Port, Bahamas


T’ be cap’n be many a young ocean lover’s dream — t’ sail th’ seven seas with a breeze at me back, a treasure map in me pocket, an’ a patch over me eye. Th’ life I been livin’ be well suited t’ ready me for th’ task.


  • Leadership (firm, yet compassionate)
  • Loot-Oriented Approach (over 47k doubloons)
  • Riggin’ the sails (all weather conditions)
  • Knot tyin’ (anchor hitch, bowline, etc.)
  • Peg-leg repair (cedar, oak)
  • Microsoft Excel (intermediate)
  • Beard growin’ (red)
  • Personal hygiene (abysmal)


First Mate, Blue Elizabeth — 2012–Present
  • Orderin’ ’round that there good-for-nothing crew o’ ours.
  • Maintainin’ good tidings with ye who fly th’ black flag.
  • Tabulatin’ spoils of booty collection.
  • Assumin’ th’ ransackin’ an’ pillagin’ responsibilities o’ th’ cap’n when he be temporarily incapacitated — that bein’ all th’ time. (There be lots o’ rum on board.)
Sailin’ Master, Th’ Meanderin’ Privateer — 2009–2011
  • Navigatin’.
  • Indexin’ an’ categorizin’ charts an’ assorted navigatory doo-dads.
  • Oh, and keepin’ those there maps dry. Aye, therein lie a tale….
Cabin Boy, Swift Galley — 2007–2008
  • Swabbin’ th’ poop deck.
  • Feedin’, carin’ for, an’ interpretin’ th’ parrot.
  • Leadin’ th’ tenor section when th’ crew be singin’ ditties an’ other piratey tunes.
Greeter, Wal-Mart; St. Louis, MO — 2005–2006
  • Sayin’ ahoy t’ more scalleywags than ye could fit on th’ Titanic.
  • Assistin’ land lubbers in buyin’ toothpaste an’ umbrellas, or what have ye.
  • Stockin’ th’ costume section for All Hallows’ Eve.


  • Education: Kindergarten, Mrs. Nelson’s class (bottom 5%)
  • Languages: Pirate (fluent), Parrot (working proficiency) English (basic competence).


  • Five outstanding arrest warrants ($50,000 reward).
  • Winner, cannon firin’ accuracy competition (West Indies division).
  • Second place, karaoke (“Yo ho, yo ho”).